One year

Lol I shared my heart and it deleted!!
Go figure !!!

Sweet

So I feel sexy
Feel wanted
Feel needed
So I feel sexy

No prep for it
No plan on it
And don't even know what's next.

But I feel sexy
Thanks Babe

In one month

Sometimes I feel guilt
Eleven months
And I still breath

Pain is there
Hidden deep inside me
The waves are slow
Not so intense

But then with no warning
A storm brews deep down
And the waves swallow up my beach
Crash and thrash
What little castles I have built

Reality sets in
Dreams live in color
And your still nowhere to be found

You may have been an ass to me
But you where mine
And I was only yours.

Take A Look

Look close and you will see
Look close and you will know
Look close and you will be,
Just as lost as me....

Again

No reason,
Just over.
A fool I feel,
Broken inside.
Heart in my throat,
Tears in my eyes.
Does anybody care,
Can you hear my pain?

What I want

Ok time to be real...
All I want is for someone to see past all the fake strength I put on ...
Someone to save me from all the hurt I feel...
Someone...
To see me for me,
And still want me...

Naked

If I should die before I wake;
I pray The Lord, my soul he will take.
My children's eyes be dry from tears;
For they know my life I lived well with little fear.
If I should die before the dawn;
My soul, with God, at peace and in no harm.
My loved ones know I meant to show them all my soul.

But if I should not die and do awake;
May God grant me grace, peace and joy; away from the pains of today.
For if the dawn shines down on my face;
I pray The Lord, my soul be free, the wind to flow my love to thee, this I is what I pray for me today.

Growing up

It's funny when your older,
You can see what your doing...
And understand why you do it...
And have the wisdom to correct it...
But for some reason ...
You think you should have known better!!!
Lol

Freedom To Be ...

Sometimes I forget to be free from fear.
I ask others to just be themselves.
Ask em to always be just them.

But I forget how hard that can be, when you want to be
Held by someone, keep them close.
You act like a fool, giggle, and blush.

I need to remember just to be me,
And just maybe,
He will keep wanting me...

(pic is from today. Oct 20/12)

Slow Pace

ugh... don't like this new format!!! oh well.. getting used to the changes I can not control!!!
All in all; things are going well....
lol was re-reading older posts... growing up is so MUCH fun...

Well an up date would go like this
- moved into a nice house!!! so like it!!! so much room...
- let all the boys go; got off them silly date sites... (wow!! I can understand why ya all single)
- Was knocked off my unicorn! ouch! (I'm standing back up, and brushing off the WTF!)
- but you know me... got me a crush... and he has one for me too... so ya heart back out there
- new bedroom set
- new kitchen set
- love my new couch!

* well what can I say, sometimes there are tears and I miss James, but for the better part, I am falling into this new chapter life ok... (today is a good day!)

***  well.... when you get really lost... sometimes you have to just decide your not lost, and set roots down.
not at the root setting part, but I'm not lost; just traveling to my destination at a slow pace. LOL

Remember to drink your cup, so there is room for more!!

Uprooted

Once again I find myself uprooted, I'm off to find a new place to live. I knew at some point I would move. Just never thought it would be for this reason or so quick. But life has its ways of moving along without consulting me. I'm finding out just how much control I really have in life. So many times things have changed, and not once was it my choice.
*the house I live sold, problem was never new it was for sale. They did it as a privet sale. Took 10 days and a notice to me that I must vacate in 35 days. The shocker was that I was told they are taking possession in oct. but turns out the grape vine was wrong. So now I must pack, find a place, unpack again. For another stay at a home not my own.

HAND IN HAND

he took my hand placed it in his,
pulled me close
held me tight.

his only question was,
"do you like this?"

I could have stayed there...
could have been in that safe place forever.

he took my hand placed it in his,
pulled me close
and I gave my heart.

his only question was,
'do you like this?'



*** for the person for whom has reached past the pseudo me; and sees my soul.

Life....

Life has a funny way of moving along;
I guess if you can't put yourself out there,
it will move along without you.

So I move into another moment;
I pray this one will last....

Keep steadfast my heart...
keep beating the song of love,
Trust God with your future...
Keep step with the wind;
carry my love to the this one....

sunndae

TODAY I CAN BREATH

Well, once again I have not been on here...
I think for a while there I lost it; well I thought I was lost;
turns out I was just healing and taking things in.

I don't like being lost, or wondering about everything all the time
it takes up so much no need to energy.

I have been doing so much better;
I get to see my daughter so much more and we spend the best of times,
I bought far more then I could list... lol
took my trip and survived it..
Stepped out and made attemts to meet people
and date some.

Date thing not so good... lol
I was hanging out with one, not dating
Guess that was the best thing to do.
My dates were "what am I thinking" dates
and my hang out friends, were fun

Still hang out with em; but one
well....
I knew he liked me and I  was not sure;
turns out that was for the best;
we built this way about us and a good foundation.
When timing (I say God) was right;
we chose to give dating a try.

Well we are the same in thought and motion;
So dating turned to commitments and that in turn, turns to
future plans.
(I like this!!!)

So know I am not so lost:
and when I get lost, there is someone to call out to me and pull me back.
The pain is still fresh with my loss; and I don't know if it will ever go...
But I have hope; and I don't cry all the time.

I have a future:
always did, just did not know what it would look like;
still don't know,

BUT TODAY I CAN BREATH

Sunndae

That feeling

That feeling of loss came again
It came up on me when I was not looking;
My breath was stolen,
My heart ached,
And I wanted to hide....

Put me back in my box...
Let me sit and rote...
If it means I can smell you
if it means I can see you
if it means I can touch you
If it means you will be here...

Then I will take it...

This pain hurts so much;
I miss you
I loved you
I wanted you
I needed you

Life sometimes just hurts so much without you here...

oh what now

Well been a little while since I stopped in here...
Mind spins and knees weak
Sometimes I think to much
Other times I should think more.

EVEN NOW

Even now I wonder what is...
Even now I feel what was...

At times there is peace and the world is right.
At others there is none, and there is raw...

Hope comes
Peace soothes

Joy waits to be released...

i am so hoping to get a camera soon; I want to take pics and show my wonderful sites! I love where I live, the open sky and flat lands; mountains off to the distance just out of site, but ever so close.


Right now Jack Frost is painting one of those, ones in a life time, pictures across closed windows, with the breath of warmth he runs and hides, awaiting for his crystal brush strokes to cool and glide once more.

I hope to catch him in the act, and share them with the world.

Strong Women

I want to be a Strong Women
I am strong
I am caring
I am hopeful

I want to be a Strong Women
strong in action
strong in life

Lord grant me the strength
to get through this hurt...

What is life?

Life is but moments strung together and pathways built. Hold fast to the moments that make you laugh and they will help you through the ones that don't. Make sure to stand in the moments that make you speechless, they will help you through the moments that leave you confused. Don't be afraid to jump, just make sure you look first. And the ones I am trying to learn is to accept advice and breath.

I dream...But you are still not there...

I remember when my foster mom passed (Nov 09/02), for years and still to this date I would have dreams of her, and being at home. She was always coming home, but just as she was to get there I would wake up. Last night was the first of those dreams about James (Dec 16/11). In my dreams I would be doing something and need to get home to do something with him; but as I got there, I would wake up. Each time I fell back to sleep I would start this journey to getting home to him, and each time I would wake before he was there. In my dreams I can smell, I can touch, I feel everything.... but I can not make it to the moment when they are there. The dreams about mom, hurt and I would be shaken and upset for many moments after; James would hold me or wake and find me sitting there lost. He was there for me even if he was half asleep. My problem is that now; they are about him. Last night I did not shake or cry or run from the dreams; at first I thought that was good, tell I kept having them. It is like I am searching for him and hope to find a moment of him. It is always just out of reach. And so in my waking hours, I cry, and he is not there to comfort me. Our last months were so full of ups and downs; and unsure moments of what to do and whys. Now I am just left with why and hows. I don't like this path my life has gone to. I have complained about hurts and fears and what seems like silly things before; but this pain... this pain is far more hurt and all consuming then anything I have ever felt before. I loved my mom and it hurt when she was gone, I felt lost, and scared. This loss is far different then that one. This one rocks everything about me. It rocks my future plans, it questions past beliefs, it leaves me empty. I had a dream that I wanted to share with James; a hope for what could be... know I am left to share only the dreams behind closed eyes. I dream.... But you are still not there....