I dream...But you are still not there...

I remember when my foster mom passed (Nov 09/02), for years and still to this date I would have dreams of her, and being at home. She was always coming home, but just as she was to get there I would wake up. Last night was the first of those dreams about James (Dec 16/11). In my dreams I would be doing something and need to get home to do something with him; but as I got there, I would wake up. Each time I fell back to sleep I would start this journey to getting home to him, and each time I would wake before he was there. In my dreams I can smell, I can touch, I feel everything.... but I can not make it to the moment when they are there. The dreams about mom, hurt and I would be shaken and upset for many moments after; James would hold me or wake and find me sitting there lost. He was there for me even if he was half asleep. My problem is that now; they are about him. Last night I did not shake or cry or run from the dreams; at first I thought that was good, tell I kept having them. It is like I am searching for him and hope to find a moment of him. It is always just out of reach. And so in my waking hours, I cry, and he is not there to comfort me. Our last months were so full of ups and downs; and unsure moments of what to do and whys. Now I am just left with why and hows. I don't like this path my life has gone to. I have complained about hurts and fears and what seems like silly things before; but this pain... this pain is far more hurt and all consuming then anything I have ever felt before. I loved my mom and it hurt when she was gone, I felt lost, and scared. This loss is far different then that one. This one rocks everything about me. It rocks my future plans, it questions past beliefs, it leaves me empty. I had a dream that I wanted to share with James; a hope for what could be... know I am left to share only the dreams behind closed eyes. I dream.... But you are still not there....